Feeling

It kept coming back to this. To him. Through every bad relationship, there he was at the end of the tunnel, waiting to hold me until the tears stopped. So why couldn’t I just let myself feel? Let myself feel the way I knew I did about him? I knew the reason, the reason I avoided all thoughts of the one and only man who could ever be “The One” for me… I was afraid of getting hurt, yet again, by him. To say we hadn’t had a good past was an understatement. Which was why it was surprising to both of us when I showed up at his door after finding out my last boyfriend had cheated on me. But here I was.

I stood outside his door, anxiously waiting for him to open it and resume his role as my crutch. A million thoughts raced through my head. What would he say? What would he do? What-
I jerked my head up at the sound of the door opening. “Amy? What are you doing here?” God, just the sound of his voice was enough to send a fresh set of tears racing down my cheeks.
I shrugged, not trusting my voice. I just needed him. Couldn’t he see that?
“Amy, are you okay?” This was it. This was what I needed. Finally.
“Sean? Who’s there?” The question came from the mouth of a skinny blonde wearing nothing but one of his shirts. She wrapped her arms around his waist, flashing a ring on her left hand. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t even breathe. I swear, my heart dropped through the floor. My eyes flicked up to meet his blue ones, staring right into me. I searched them for an answer. Where was the man who was supposed to be my rock? He just stared back at me, no emotion in his gaze.
“I um… I need to…” I turned on my heel and left, trying to stifle the sobs wracking my body.
“Amy. Amy!” His voice followed me down the hall, but I couldn’t look back. Not now, not when it was clearly too late for us. I unfolded the note I had written in the cab ride over, reading the feelings I had poured out for him. Who was I kidding? I pushed him away countless times, I had to to protect myself. I couldn’t be upset if he moved on. But I was. I was heartbroken.

What the hell was I doing? Why was I here? Was I trying to kill myself? Well whatever the reason, I wasn’t about to leave. I was going to sit through this torture and support the best friend I’d ever had, even if I had lost him forever. I knocked on the door to the room I knew he would be in.
“Come in,” came the reply, his voice once again sending me into a panic.
“Pull yourself together Amy,” I muttered under my breath, shaking my head to clear it.
I stepped over the threshold, only to be met by the sight of him in a dapper suit, looking positively breathtaking.
“Amy… Um, can I- can I help you with something?” I noticed his voice crack, but I wasn’t going to show him that.
“I just wanted to wish the groom good luck,” I said softly to avoid the same cracking in my voice. I didn’t have to try to smile, it came effortlessly seeing him.
“Yeah, like I need it,” he replied, smirking that familiar smirk. He seemed nervous, but that was perfectly normal right before your wedding. God knows I was about to fall into a full blown panic attack.
“I just wanted to give you something. I know that we didn’t leave on a good foot, but… I just wanted to give you something to remind you of me after all this is done.” I handed him the note I had written him so long ago, the one telling him I loved him. I knew it was stupid, but he needed to know and I was too much of a coward to tell him in person, especially on today of all days.
“Thank you Amy. I mean, you didn’t have to get me anything-”
“I wanted to,” I cut him off. “Just… don’t open it until after the wedding, okay?” I could feel the tears threatening to burst forth again, like they did all the goddamn time now.
He cleared his throat. “Okay. And Amy?” He looked at me, those gorgeous eyes gazing softly at me. “Thank you for being here. It means… It means a lot to me.” He smiled a small smile at me, and I thought I saw a flash of something in those eyes, but I must have imagined it.
“Anytime. I mean that. Anytime you need me, I will always be right there. You’re my best friend, no matter what happened between us. I will always be there for you.” I smiled, feeling the tears filling my eyes. It was time to go, I could hear the music filling the ceremony space. “Break a leg out there Sean,” I whispered, turning and stepping out of the room.

Goddamn it. Why was she here? Why had she come into my room like that? Did she know how beautiful she looked? It took everything I had to restrain from kissing her perfect mouth. I looked down at the piece of paper she had given me. Read it after the wedding… Did she honestly think I would be able to resist reading it before? I unfolded it, noticing the creases where it had obviously been folded and unfolded hundreds of times. Before I started reading, I couldn’t help but notice the smudged words, probably where her tears had fallen. God, just that thought tugged at my heart. And so, because I couldn’t resist, I started reading.
I looked up from the note, my own tears filling my eyes. My hand was shaking, and I dropped the note on the floor. What did this mean? Why would she give me this now, after all this time? I was about to get married for Christ’s sake, to a woman I loved. So why couldn’t I get Amy’s face out of my head. All the time’s she had been there for me, all the times I had comforted her, they raced through my mind at top speed. I took a deep breath as I opened the door, walking out into the hall where the sounds of my wedding music filled the air. Time seemed to stop. What was I doing?

I couldn’t do this. I told myself I could, but I couldn’t. I was suffocating. I got up to exit the room before the ceremony actually began. I couldn’t see for the tears filling my vision. I wiped my eyes and lifted my head to see a familiar figure standing at the end of the hall, staring right at me. He took one step towards me, towards the altar where he would soon get married. God, I had to get out of there. I hurriedly towards him, keeping my gaze down at the floor. The only door out of this place was behind him. Goddamn it.

I saw her coming towards me, keeping her gaze on the floor in front of her. I was supposed to be standing at an altar with a different girl walking towards me in much the same way. When she got close enough, I uttered the only word I think I was capable of in that moment.
“Amy,” I whispered, knowing she’d hear me. She stopped in front of me, her shoulders rising and falling as she took deep breaths. I can’t say I blamed her.
“Sean,” she replied, finally looking at me. Those eyes of hers, those beautiful green eyes were full of tears, which seemed to be the way they looked all the time now. I just stared at her, drinking in her features.
“I read the note,” I said softly, clenching and unclenching my hands at my sides, wanting so badly to touch her.
A small smile played at the corner of her mouth when she answered, “I told you not to do that until after.” I couldn’t help but notice the hope in her eyes as one tear fell. I swallowed hard as I reached a hand up to wipe the tear off her cheek.
“You should know me better than that Amy,” I joked, trying so hard to keep my own tears in check.
“Yeah, I should.” She broke down then, sobbing into her hands.
“Amy, Amy whoa. Calm down, it’s okay. We’re okay,” I murmured, pulling her into my arms. Her arms slowly went around me, pulling me even closer to her. Her crying shook my body as well, and I rested my chin on her head as I blinked back tears.
“I’m so sorry,” she hiccuped, not taking her face out of my jacket. “I shouldn’t have given you that, I’ve ruined everything.” Her hands clutched at me, as if she was afraid I was going to leave her there. But I knew I could never do that.
“Amy, you haven’t ruined everything. Look at me,” I said, pulling back just enough to see her face. It was stained with tears, and her eyes were puffy, but to me she just looked beautiful. I looked into her eyes, a tear escaping from mine. She reached a hand up and cupped my cheek, her thumb brushing the tear away. My breathing stopped, and all I could see was this girl in front of me. In slow motion, I closed the distance between us, knowing that if this happened, there was no going back.
When her lips met mine, my heart stopped.

I swear I actually melted into him. I had wanted this – him – for so long that I didn’t care if what we were doing was wrong. The kiss was soft and slow, and full of what I interpreted as longing. I felt his tongue brush against my lower lip, and it jolted me awake.
“Sean, what are we doing?” I gasped, pushing him away from me. His face was flushed, similar to mine.
“Amy, I can’t do this. I can’t get married, not to this girl. I love her, I really do, but-” He broke off, running his hands through his hair roughly.
“But what Sean? You committed to this, you have to follow through with it,” I said, with much more force than I thought I was capable of.
“I can’t follow through with it! I read your note, I know you feel the same way about me that I feel about you.” He looked hard at me, trying to shake me.
“Sean, I can’t be that woman, I won’t be that woman! I won’t break up a marriage so that I can have what I want!” Oh, but I would. I wanted to run away with him right now and never look back, but this pesky thing called a conscience wasn’t letting me go without a fight.
“Amy, I love you,” he whispered, sending butterflies flying through my stomach. “I love you, I’ve loved you for years now. I know I screwed things up between us, but I have always been there for you, I have always been right there. I resigned myself to the fact that you would never love me back, which is the only reason I settled for Sarah. You’re the only girl for me Amy.” Tears were glistening in his eyes. God, did we only cry now? What happened to the strong person I used to be?
“Well in that case, I guess there’s only one thing to do,” I whispered, pulling him back down towards me.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I heard a voice exclaim somewhere in the room I was entering.
“Coming to see my soon to be bride, that’s what,” I replied, a smile on my face.
“That’s against the rules buddy, you know it’s bad luck for a groom to see his bride before the wedding.” I heard a laugh, proving that she wasn’t serious.
“Well I think I can deal with…” I trailed off as she came into view, taking my breath away. She smiled shyly, looking at the ground and back up at me, locking eyes with me. She looked amazing, more than amazing. I couldn’t tell you what kind of dress she was wearing, or the hairstyle, but I can tell you that she was lovely.
“Stop staring, you’re making me blush,” she smirked, moving closer to me.
“Stop blushing and I’ll stop staring,” I countered, leaning down to kiss her.
“You’re going to ruin my makeup,” she protested, pushing on my chest weakly.
“Amy… I love you.” I murmured against her lips.
“I love you too Sean,” she sighed.

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