February 25th, 2021 11:17 PM

When the script first appeared on Feyra’s forearm, carved and bloody, Ailith had been worried. She bandaged the wound, unable to decipher what was written, watching Feyra closely for any change. When, over the next few days, none came, Ailith tried to put it in the back of her mind, focusing instead on getting to the end of this godsforsaken journey through the Under.

Ashrin had asked Ailith what her plans were for when this was all over, and Ailith hadn’t known what to say. She hadn’t really been one for making plans, always living in the moment and trying to survive from one battle to the next. But now, after that moment with Feyra on the cliff, she had begun to think on it. Once they were above ground again, she had so many plans. She wanted to take Feyra to all her favourite spots in Kaskaden, assuming the city was still standing when all was said and done. She wanted to return to Dragontower and watch Feyra become all that Ailith knew she could be. She wanted Feyra in the sun, in the moonlight, under the trees. They just needed to get through this hellish journey first.

The appearance of a winged man cloaked in shadow brought all of Ailith’s worries to the forefront again. They were camped in an alcove off the main tunnel, tent set up, Talus cooking dinner over the fire. Ace and Feyra had walked off into a secluded corner, whispering about something to do with Feyra’s arm. Ailith watched them, leg bouncing, chewing her thumbnail as she waited for them to come back and share with the class. When the winged man appeared, the tension in her body only increased. She vaguely heard Xiv shuffle over and sit next to her.

“Huh. Why is he wearing pants?” Xiv rasped, holding two vials of somehow shiny liquid.

“I hadn’t thought about it, to be honest,” Ailith replied, distracted. The winged man disappeared, leaving only Ace and Feyra still huddled in the corner. “I always assumed angels would be all smooth down there, no reason to hide anything.” She watched Ace get up and walk back towards the group, face solemn. Feyra sat for a second longer before rising and walking swiftly towards the entrance to their little cave, not saying a word to anyone on the way out.

Xiv continued speculating about angel physiology, but Ailith was no longer listening. “I’m going to go check on Feyra. I’ll be back.” She left Xiv sitting by the fire, still muttering about the pros and cons of genitalia. Ailith made her way to the tunnel, searching for Feyra, hoping she hadn’t gone too far away.

Ailith found her sitting only about twenty feet from the mouth of the cave, leaning back against the wall of the tunnel with her eyes closed. Ailith felt her stomach erupt in butterflies at the prospect of getting to be alone with Feyra again, away from the prying eyes of their friends. She sat down quietly, knowing Feyra would sense her presence without her having to announce it.

“So… how did it go?” Ailith’s hands fidgeted in her lap, wanting to reach out and take Feyra’s hand, but too nervous to actually follow through.

“Not well.” When Feyra opened her eyes, they were rimmed red and glassy with unshed tears. “It’s not great news.” Feyra drew in a shaky breath, not meeting Ailith’s gaze.

“You don’t have to tell me about it,” Ailith said slowly, “but I’m here if you need anything. Whatever it is, we can fix it.”

Feyra let out a humourless laugh. “I don’t think this can be fixed so easily.” She rubbed absentmindedly at the bandages still covering the script on her arm. Ailith stayed silent, waiting for Feyra to get the words out. “My soul belongs to an archdevil. And he can claim it whenever he wants.” The words spilled out of Feyra’s mouth quickly, as if she was afraid that if she didn’t say them now, she never would. She finally looked at Ailith, who stared at her unseeing for a few breaths.

“No. No, no, that- that’s not- your soul? What?” Ailith’s thoughts were fragmented, disjointed; this didn’t make any sense. How could this be happening? She didn’t know much about souls or devils, but she had been travelling with Ace long enough to know that they were real, tangible things. Things that shouldn’t be messed with.

“His name is Mammon. It’s the cost of finding out what Lolth’s plan is for you.” A stab of guilt bit into Ailith at Feyra’s words, but she tamped it down. This wasn’t about her.

“Okay. Okay, okay.” Keep it together, Ailith. “Well, where do we find this Mammon and how do we kill him? He can’t claim a soul if he’s dead.” Ailith was grasping at straws, she knew that. But what other option was there?

“I’m not sure this problem can be solved using our usual methods,” Feyra answered wryly. “Besides, we have bigger things to worry about right now. This isn’t important.”

Ailith couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “You’re wrong. This is important, this is the most important thing, this needs to be undone!” Gods, Ailith wanted to grab Feyra and shake her, make her see that fixing this, saving Feyra’s soul, was the most important thing in the world as of this moment. “Tell me how I can fix this.” Please, let me be able to fix this.

Feyra looked at her sadly, brow furrowed. “Just stay with me. For now, that’s enough.” Feyra took Ailith’s hand, stroking her thumb across Ailith’s knuckles once before grabbing her hand back with a gasp.

“Whoa, what’s wrong? Did I.. did I hurt you?” Feyra’s face was pinched in pain, hand clutching at her forearm. Ailith saw something like remorse flit across Feyra’s face, her jaw clenching as she reached out and took Ailith’s hand again.

Ailith watched Feyra’s face, saw her eyes tigthern and a frown crease her brow. Her hand shook in Ailith’s, the tendons in her taut. Realization crashed into Ailith: touching her was causing Feyra pain. Horror flooded through her; she removed Feyra’s hand from hers, heart stopping at the way the other woman’s face crumpled at the motion.

“I can handle pain, Ailith.” Feyra’s voice was thick with tears. “I can handle death. What I can’t handle is not being with you. We had a moment the other night and we never talked about it, and I’m sorry if I overstepped, but-“

“Feyra, no,” Ailith cut in quickly, shaking her head emphatically. “I won’t cause you pain like that, I can’t do it.” How was everything falling apart so quickly? “I want to touch you, I want to be with you, but not if it hurts you. That’s not something I can do, I-” Ailith broke off, fighting to keep her composure. She could feel her eyes start to sting, breath coming in harder. “Everything is wrong down here, this place is toxic.” She was panicking, not making any sense. “Look, we don’t have to talk about this right now, we can talk about it later.” Later, when she had time to form cohesive thoughts, when her heart wasn’t aching with the need to touch Feyra, her mind clouded by it.

Feyra’s breath hitched, and Ailith knew she fucked up. No, no, I didn’t mean that, it didn’t come out right. “Yeah, right. We can talk about it later.” Feyra’s voice was dismissive as she rose to her feet in one fluid motion, looking down at Ailith with tears running down her face. “Mammon might have claim over my soul,” Feyra continued, “but my heart belongs to you.” Feyra turned on her heel, leaving Ailith reeling.

Wait, no. Don’t go! Ailith couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. Feyra just… She actually said… And Ailith didn’t do anything, didn’t say anything. She let Feyra walk away, why did she do that? Ailith curled in on herself, clutching at her chest like it would keep her heart from shattering. Her cheeks were wet with tears, her breaths coming too hard and fast. Everything was wrong, this was all so wrong. They were supposed to tell each other they loved each other under the sky, breathless with happiness and hope. Ailith would have drawn Feyra close and whispered the words into her skin, marking her with them.

Instead, she sat alone in the dark and cold, Feyra’s words echoing in her head, unanswered. Ailith buried her face in her hands, sobs wracking her body, torn from her. She ruined everything. Every piece of happiness she had collected, the future she had let herself imagine for them, it was all crashing down around her. She was being buried alive and she didn’t know if she could dig herself out.