Written March 10th 2021 7:56 AM

Feyra had died, and for too long a moment, so had a piece of Ailith. Ailith had felt it right under her chest bone, felt it whither away to nothing when Feyra didn’t immediately come back to her during Ace’s ritual. But, by the grace of the gods, Feyra had returned and Ailith was whole again.

It was a small mercy when it came time for Ailith to take watch that night. She had completely broken down in front of her friends and Ashrin; she relished the opportunity to be alone for a couple hours to overcome the humiliation. She tried to suppress a grin as the smell of pine wafted over her, soft footsteps approaching from behind.

Feyra sat next to her at the fire, looking at her with intense eyes. Ailith’s heart jolted at the proximity, the urge to touch Feyra almost overwhelming. “We’re making a habit of this,” Ailith murmured over the sound of wood crackling and snapping. Feyra didn’t reply, only reached out to cup Ailith’s cheek. “Feyra, wait-” The other woman’s touch was soft and Ailith found herself unconsciously leaning into it. When she searched Feyra’s face, Ailith found no indication that Feyra was in any sort of pain. Did dying cure her, somehow? Ailith kept the thought to herself, not wanting to ruin the moment, but she let herself feel the tiniest glimmer of hope. She remained still as Feyra’s other hand moved to settle on top of Ailith’s rapidly beating heart.

Ailith let out a shaky laugh at the contact. She didn’t know where this was going, but fuck was she willing to find out. Feyra remained silent, pulling Ailith in closer and closer, until their lips were a hairsbreadth apart. “Feyra,” Ailith whispered, eyes closing in anticipation. Gods, she had missed this, had wanted nothing more than this since the too short kiss they had shared only hours before.

Their lips never met. Instead, Ailith’s mouth opened in a silent scream as Feyra dug her nails into her chest. Ailith’s eyes snapped open, only to be met with a pupiless, bloodred gaze where there should have been green. Feyra kept her close as her nails – no, claws – gouged into Ailith’s chest, ripping her open. The hand on her face never wavered, fingers digging into Ailith’s cheek, keeping her still as silent tears began streaming down her face. Please. It hurts. Stop. No words came, no screams. In front of her, Feyra smiled, a twisted thing full of sharp teeth.

Blood was rushing in Ailith’s ears, the pain threatening to overwhelm her entirely. She clutched at the front of Feyra’s shirt, scrabbling for something tangible, something that made sense. Why? Why is she doing this? Ailith’s heart rate ratcheted up and up and up – until it seemed to stop altogether. Feyra released her, Ailith’s grip failing as her hands went numb, sending her backwards into the dirt.

Her vision started narrowing, darkness creeping in at the edges. Feyra stood, something clasped in her hand. Ailith grasped at her chest, expecting to feel a wound, the wetness of fresh blood, but there was nothing. She was uninjured, not even a hole in the fabric of her shirt, but the pain lingered, licking through her like wildfire. Ailith couldn’t feel her heartbeat, she could barely get a breath in. A shadowy figure coalesced behind Feyra, edges blurred and flickering.

“Oh dear. Did you forget? She belongs to me.” The figure spoke in a voice that echoed in Ailith’s head like a thousand whispers overlapping. It chuckled and leaned in to whisper in Feyra’s ear. “Finish it.”

No. “No,” a whimper broke Ailith’s silence. “Feyra. I love you. Please.” Ailith’s breaths came faster, harsher. Her vision blurred and her head swam. Feyra just stared at her, still smiling, as she crushed the thing in her hand. Pain exploded in Ailith’s chest, ripping a scream from her throat. It’s too much, please. Make it stop, please make it stop. Ailith’s vision faded to black as she writhed in pain, screams unending.

~x~

“One, shut up!” Xiv’s shout silenced the screaming construct acting as their alarm. Ailith jolted up, sticky with sweat and dried tears. Confused, she hastily wiped at her face before anyone noticed. Next to her, Feyra smiled warmly at her as she packed up her bedroll.

“Good morning,” Feyra murmured.

There was something playing at the edges of Ailith’s memory, a dream from last night that she couldn’t quite grasp. She shook her head, casting the thought from her mind. “Good morning,” she replied. It was a new day, and Feyra was here next to her. Ailith was whole again.

Written March 4th, 2021 10:07 PM

“Help them!” Ailith screamed at Ace, barely stirring in her sleeping bag. She raced past the still forms of Xiv and Talus, tearing through the tent’s opening. Why didn’t Feyra yell? What is happening? Ailith got her answer when she came face to face with a ghostly pale woman dressed in white, mouth wide open in a wail. With a curse, Ailith brought her cane swinging into the woman’s neck, watched her eyes bulge and mouth work as she was stunned for a brief moment.

Eyes adjusting to the firelight, Ailith could make out three other figures, all wandering around aimlessly, looking for a target. Just beyond the one nearest to her, she could see Feyra lying on the ground, lights hovering over her. That explained the ambush, then. Ailith rushed towards her, incapacitating the figure standing over her. She skidded to a stop at the sight in front of her.

Feyra was dead. Even Ailith could tell that Feyra’s limp form was too ashen, chest too still. The lights were dancing as they sucked the remaining essence out of her. Ailith felt something break within her, right where her heart should be. She let out a pained noise as she tore herself away, running instead to dispatch the other two figures in white. It didn’t feel right, leaving Feyra laying there alone. It was like every step Ailith took, a chain tried to yank her back, but she had to keep moving. She had to protect the rest of her friends.

Her cane struck true, the blows stunning the assailants into blessed silence. Their shrieks made Ailith’s blood run cold, the Pulse Render washing energy over her to protect her from them more than once. She didn’t know where the rest of her party was, if they were even still alive. Please. Let them be alive.

When Talus burst from the tent, Ailith sent up a thanks to whatever god might be listening. “Thank fuck,” she shouted, voice hoarse with exertion and tears she hadn’t realized were falling. When Xiv, Ashrin, and Ace joined the fray, Ailith started to think maybe they had a chance at winning this fight. All she had to do was focus on hitting the right pressure points. She couldn’t think about Feyra, lying dead mere feet away, her soul no longer in her body, potentially at the mercy of Mammon already. No, she wouldn’t think about that.

Talus dealt the final blow, the white figure falling to dust at his feet. Ailith was already gone, flying past him to Feyra. She stumbled, falling onto her hands and knees at Feyra’s side. This wasn’t right. There was no wound, no sign of an attack; Feyra could have been sleeping. Ailith took Feyra’s hand in hers, pressing it to her cheek. I can’t cause her pain if she’s dead. The thought broke her.

“Please. Please,” Ailith sobbed, voice breaking. Ace’s small hands fumbled to pull diamonds out of her bag. When did she get here? “Come back. Please, come back.” Ailith whispered the words into Feyra’s palm, the skin too cold beneath her lips. Ace finished her ritual, the familiarity of it both unsettling and oddly soothing.

Ailith watched the diamonds disappear into Feyra’s chest, waited for the inhale she knew came next. Ailith looked to Ace, blood running cold when she saw the frown on the girl’s face, her hands hovering over Feyra’s body. Ailith shook her head. No. No no no. Please, no. Ace sat back on her heels, hands dropping into her lap, tears falling from her closed eyes. A keening sound ripped out of Ailith’s throat as she dropped her head onto Feyra’s chest, her hand still clutched in Ailith’s, held against Ailith’s heart.

Feyra’s soul was claimed. She wasn’t coming back. She was gone, and Ailith was alone. How was she supposed to be without Feyra? She sobbed brokenly, body shaking so much she almost missed the movement in Feyra’s chest, the way her hand twitched in Ailith’s. Ailith’s head snapped up in time to see emerald eyes flutter open and search for her own.

Ailith let out a small cry as Feyra pulled her down into a kiss. A kiss that was hard and messy, slippery with tears, and over far too quickly as Feyra fell back, unconscious. Ailith dropped Feyra’s hand and fell backwards away from her. Ailith could hear her own hiccupping breaths, could feel her hands shaking in the dirt as she tried to ground herself in a reality that still had Feyra in it.

Gods, Ailith wanted to hold her, wanted to feel Feyra’s heartbeat against hers. It killed her that she couldn’t, but at least Feyra was here. She was alive, and that was all that mattered. Ailith repeated it over and over throughout the night until she finally fell asleep, dreams full of emerald and red.

March 4th, 2021 9:27 AM

“Feyra. I suppose I should have told you, but I didn’t think it needed to be said. I didn’t realize you were having doubts, and for that, I apologize.

You need to know – it’s you. It’s always been you. That sounds lovesick and dramatic, but it’s the truth. I have never really had anyone or anything I could consider mine. Everything was shared, everyone’s attention was split. I punished and pushed myself, trying so hard to make peopel notice me, pick me. You saw me. You see who I am, the flaws and scars, and you don’t care.

That night, after the cliff, it was like everything I had ever dreamed was coming true. The future unfolded before me, and everywhere I looked, there you were. That’s what I want, Feyra. If I ruined any chance for us to have that… no, I refuse to let that happen. We are stronger than our circumstances, stronger together than apart.

You know I feel about being told what to do. I refuse to let this archdevil dickhead be the thing that ends us before we’ve even had the chance to start. We’ll figure this out, Feyra. I may not believe in ghosts, but I do believe in us.”

February 25th, 2021 11:17 PM

When the script first appeared on Feyra’s forearm, carved and bloody, Ailith had been worried. She bandaged the wound, unable to decipher what was written, watching Feyra closely for any change. When, over the next few days, none came, Ailith tried to put it in the back of her mind, focusing instead on getting to the end of this godsforsaken journey through the Under.

Ashrin had asked Ailith what her plans were for when this was all over, and Ailith hadn’t known what to say. She hadn’t really been one for making plans, always living in the moment and trying to survive from one battle to the next. But now, after that moment with Feyra on the cliff, she had begun to think on it. Once they were above ground again, she had so many plans. She wanted to take Feyra to all her favourite spots in Kaskaden, assuming the city was still standing when all was said and done. She wanted to return to Dragontower and watch Feyra become all that Ailith knew she could be. She wanted Feyra in the sun, in the moonlight, under the trees. They just needed to get through this hellish journey first.

The appearance of a winged man cloaked in shadow brought all of Ailith’s worries to the forefront again. They were camped in an alcove off the main tunnel, tent set up, Talus cooking dinner over the fire. Ace and Feyra had walked off into a secluded corner, whispering about something to do with Feyra’s arm. Ailith watched them, leg bouncing, chewing her thumbnail as she waited for them to come back and share with the class. When the winged man appeared, the tension in her body only increased. She vaguely heard Xiv shuffle over and sit next to her.

“Huh. Why is he wearing pants?” Xiv rasped, holding two vials of somehow shiny liquid.

“I hadn’t thought about it, to be honest,” Ailith replied, distracted. The winged man disappeared, leaving only Ace and Feyra still huddled in the corner. “I always assumed angels would be all smooth down there, no reason to hide anything.” She watched Ace get up and walk back towards the group, face solemn. Feyra sat for a second longer before rising and walking swiftly towards the entrance to their little cave, not saying a word to anyone on the way out.

Xiv continued speculating about angel physiology, but Ailith was no longer listening. “I’m going to go check on Feyra. I’ll be back.” She left Xiv sitting by the fire, still muttering about the pros and cons of genitalia. Ailith made her way to the tunnel, searching for Feyra, hoping she hadn’t gone too far away.

Ailith found her sitting only about twenty feet from the mouth of the cave, leaning back against the wall of the tunnel with her eyes closed. Ailith felt her stomach erupt in butterflies at the prospect of getting to be alone with Feyra again, away from the prying eyes of their friends. She sat down quietly, knowing Feyra would sense her presence without her having to announce it.

“So… how did it go?” Ailith’s hands fidgeted in her lap, wanting to reach out and take Feyra’s hand, but too nervous to actually follow through.

“Not well.” When Feyra opened her eyes, they were rimmed red and glassy with unshed tears. “It’s not great news.” Feyra drew in a shaky breath, not meeting Ailith’s gaze.

“You don’t have to tell me about it,” Ailith said slowly, “but I’m here if you need anything. Whatever it is, we can fix it.”

Feyra let out a humourless laugh. “I don’t think this can be fixed so easily.” She rubbed absentmindedly at the bandages still covering the script on her arm. Ailith stayed silent, waiting for Feyra to get the words out. “My soul belongs to an archdevil. And he can claim it whenever he wants.” The words spilled out of Feyra’s mouth quickly, as if she was afraid that if she didn’t say them now, she never would. She finally looked at Ailith, who stared at her unseeing for a few breaths.

“No. No, no, that- that’s not- your soul? What?” Ailith’s thoughts were fragmented, disjointed; this didn’t make any sense. How could this be happening? She didn’t know much about souls or devils, but she had been travelling with Ace long enough to know that they were real, tangible things. Things that shouldn’t be messed with.

“His name is Mammon. It’s the cost of finding out what Lolth’s plan is for you.” A stab of guilt bit into Ailith at Feyra’s words, but she tamped it down. This wasn’t about her.

“Okay. Okay, okay.” Keep it together, Ailith. “Well, where do we find this Mammon and how do we kill him? He can’t claim a soul if he’s dead.” Ailith was grasping at straws, she knew that. But what other option was there?

“I’m not sure this problem can be solved using our usual methods,” Feyra answered wryly. “Besides, we have bigger things to worry about right now. This isn’t important.”

Ailith couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “You’re wrong. This is important, this is the most important thing, this needs to be undone!” Gods, Ailith wanted to grab Feyra and shake her, make her see that fixing this, saving Feyra’s soul, was the most important thing in the world as of this moment. “Tell me how I can fix this.” Please, let me be able to fix this.

Feyra looked at her sadly, brow furrowed. “Just stay with me. For now, that’s enough.” Feyra took Ailith’s hand, stroking her thumb across Ailith’s knuckles once before grabbing her hand back with a gasp.

“Whoa, what’s wrong? Did I.. did I hurt you?” Feyra’s face was pinched in pain, hand clutching at her forearm. Ailith saw something like remorse flit across Feyra’s face, her jaw clenching as she reached out and took Ailith’s hand again.

Ailith watched Feyra’s face, saw her eyes tigthern and a frown crease her brow. Her hand shook in Ailith’s, the tendons in her taut. Realization crashed into Ailith: touching her was causing Feyra pain. Horror flooded through her; she removed Feyra’s hand from hers, heart stopping at the way the other woman’s face crumpled at the motion.

“I can handle pain, Ailith.” Feyra’s voice was thick with tears. “I can handle death. What I can’t handle is not being with you. We had a moment the other night and we never talked about it, and I’m sorry if I overstepped, but-“

“Feyra, no,” Ailith cut in quickly, shaking her head emphatically. “I won’t cause you pain like that, I can’t do it.” How was everything falling apart so quickly? “I want to touch you, I want to be with you, but not if it hurts you. That’s not something I can do, I-” Ailith broke off, fighting to keep her composure. She could feel her eyes start to sting, breath coming in harder. “Everything is wrong down here, this place is toxic.” She was panicking, not making any sense. “Look, we don’t have to talk about this right now, we can talk about it later.” Later, when she had time to form cohesive thoughts, when her heart wasn’t aching with the need to touch Feyra, her mind clouded by it.

Feyra’s breath hitched, and Ailith knew she fucked up. No, no, I didn’t mean that, it didn’t come out right. “Yeah, right. We can talk about it later.” Feyra’s voice was dismissive as she rose to her feet in one fluid motion, looking down at Ailith with tears running down her face. “Mammon might have claim over my soul,” Feyra continued, “but my heart belongs to you.” Feyra turned on her heel, leaving Ailith reeling.

Wait, no. Don’t go! Ailith couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. Feyra just… She actually said… And Ailith didn’t do anything, didn’t say anything. She let Feyra walk away, why did she do that? Ailith curled in on herself, clutching at her chest like it would keep her heart from shattering. Her cheeks were wet with tears, her breaths coming too hard and fast. Everything was wrong, this was all so wrong. They were supposed to tell each other they loved each other under the sky, breathless with happiness and hope. Ailith would have drawn Feyra close and whispered the words into her skin, marking her with them.

Instead, she sat alone in the dark and cold, Feyra’s words echoing in her head, unanswered. Ailith buried her face in her hands, sobs wracking her body, torn from her. She ruined everything. Every piece of happiness she had collected, the future she had let herself imagine for them, it was all crashing down around her. She was being buried alive and she didn’t know if she could dig herself out.